You Don’t Need Facebook to Validate Your Mothering
Ahhh the endless facebook posts of mothers wanting to show what great and amazing parents they are. I get it. I’ve been there. I would post every single amazing moment I could capture to get the validation from people I never ever talk to or see in person. The comments like “omg you’re such an amazing mom” or “your kids are lucky to have you”… “you do it all”. Blah blah and…Blah.
When I realized what I was doing I stopped. I then would find myself becoming completely aggravated when I would see another mother doing the same thing. I’d think to myself, “here we go, another one seeking attention from the masses who ultimately don’t give a shit about her”. But then I quit the judging. I started sympathizing and understanding. I know the place in which that validation they seek. I know for those very brief moments it’s kinda nice to be reminded of how great you are. But who are you really trying to convince? It’s yourself, not others. You’re posting to make yourself believe you’re so awesome and you are but no stranger or fair weather friend will give you what you really need – Love and Appreciation. Only you dear mom can do that.
Here’s the thing – some moms don’t feel validated at all. For me I know personally it stemmed from only having 1 child. I was supposed to have two but that was up to God. Other people don’t know that when they first meet me so it’s not their fault. However, I’m completely great with having just 1 child. But because of that I felt like I needed to validate myself in some way. I felt because I only have one child I needed to prove myself.
You’re not less validated because you only have one child and you’re not of more value because you have 3 or 5 children either. Now remember, this isn’t about how many children we have, this is my experience of trying to validate myself so look at this as an example for your own unique situation.
For me I realized women who do have a number of kids know what they’re getting into. It’s no secret how babies are made. Plus this isn’t a race, it’s life. Just because someone may have more kids doesn’t mean they know more than me, that’s bullshit. They just know exactly what they did the first time. I can’t stand to hear a mom complain about her 7 kids or say things to me like “Oh he’s your first once you have another you won’t be like that anymore”. I think to myself who is this woman kidding. No one has their shit together in parenting. And besides aren’t we all amazing moms no matter the head count? It’s like when did being a mom become this American Ninja competition?
Now back to my point on social media and why it doesn’t help. We idolize, compete, and try to keep up with everyone else while life is happening right infront of us. We waste a lot of time posting and a lot less time actually spending time with our own kids.
When I’m out with family or doing something like pumpkin picking, whoever is with me is surprised at how little I’m on my phone. They always ask me, aren’t you going to take a picture of that, or are you going to post this? And I tell them no. I’m not taking a photo of my son for social media and I’m not doing this activity with my family solely to post it on social media. If I take photos of my family those moments are for me. I don’t like to take my phone out and take away from the time I’m actually spending with my family. It’s unenjoyable to be honest. When I’m not posting to social media, writing up blog posts, I’m spending precious time with my son, with my husband. I’ve learned not to revolve my life around social media. It can become and it has become the newest addiction that everyone has.
I think technology is great and we’ve come along way. But I do think there is this fine line between the social online world and reality. When the online world becomes our reality we need to take a step back and realize what we are doing. Posting is fun and it’s a nice way to see pictures and to stay connected in peoples’ lives I get that. And I appreciate that. But posting every single god damn thing, it’s like when does it end? It’s ok to unplug, walk away from your device and capture moments with your kids that won’t be posted. Spend those times capturing memories that will forever be in your heart. Some things are special and should remain that way, and not everything needs to be shared. Whatever happened to privacy? I miss that and I believe we all miss it. Try to make it a point to detach from the smartphones and computers, and connect with your family in person. Your heart will be filled with love and you’ll soon realize Facebook and any other form of social media will never ever give you the joy and happiness you get from the little ones you’ve created. Our children our not just objects. I talk a lot about this in my #MOMTALK episode – Realizations
There is no superiority in motherhood.
Have some compassion for yourself. Why did that stop? Have love for yourself. And when I say love yourself I don’t mean materialistically either. That is like taking medicine to mask a disease instead of curing it at the root cause. No one else will complete you. The online world, much like NYC, a place that never sleeps, will not fill any void, it will only leave you feeling more vulnerable and more insecure because it’s a never ending cycle of trying to top the next mother. What is there to top anyway? Think about it.