Do You Ask Yourself This Question?



When we approach puberty and become teenagers we often wonder what we want to do with our lives or what we’d like to be when we’re older. It’s instilled in us that we need an education and a college degree to make something of ourselves and are basically forced into making really big decisions at very young ages.

For some this may work; some people know from a very early moment what they’re destined to do while others like me didn’t really have a clue. In my teenage years I couldn’t go to college because at the age of 17 I was working 3 jobs and I thought I had no time…and I couldn’t afford it. I didn’t have the type of parents that wanted to pay or had saved up a college fund for me either. I actually tried to applied to a community college and couldn’t even get financial aid because my father made too much. – I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. I thought “here I am at 17 working 3 jobs, how am I supposed to find my career”. I wanted to act, sing, and dance, but those were pipe dreams, and I figured I was too old. In my mind, in order to do anything like that you have to start young and if you don’t start young, you miss your golden chance at becoming a star.

I didn’t have the ordinary life of a 17 year old girl. I was always ahead of my years spiritually. I always knew I was an old soul. I didn’t act like other 17 year olds I knew, and no one around me had the responsibilities that I had. I hated it. I wanted to be a normal teenager. I wanted my parents to buy me a car. I wanted to be able to go to school and not have to go to work after. What I didn’t realize was that all the challenges I was facing was leading me to discover my strengths.

Interestingly enough, I also never questioned myself on what I really wanted to do. I woke up and just went along with what I thought I was suppose to be doing. I only started to question myself and my purpose when I was in my mid twenties after a terrible breakup. It was the worst, and hardest breakup I ever had to go through. Another challenge I remember wishing I didn’t have endure. Can you relate?

When I hit 25 years of age I started questioning myself, my capabilities, what can I do and what would I love to do. It now became a constant in my mind — Is this the life I’m really meant to live? Is this what I’m suppose to be doing with myself?

Although I graduated from the Aveda Institute and became a hair stylist, it was fun but not fulfilling. I thought that becoming a stylist was what I wanted to do at the time but still something was missing. Something didn’t feel right. I didn’t feel aligned with my true purpose. I always heard this voice inside of me saying,  “You Were Meant To Do More”. Has that voice ever spoken up in your mind? I always felt like I was meant to do bigger things than what I was doing. But again, I got up everyday and went with the flow because I thought that’s just what you’re supposed to do – get a job or career, find a husband, have children and then that’s it. That sounded so mundanely boring to me. And I couldn’t wrap my mind around that concept. To get on the same merry go round everyone else was getting on to go absolutely nowhere. “No thanks,” I thought.

I would numb my feelings by overeating on junk and fast food, partying with my friends, smoking cigarettes, and working crazy hours (16 hours to be exact). I was doing this to feel everything else other than what I was actually feeling. I was using this as an escape method. I was trying to fill a void. A void that I, at the time, didn’t know what it really was. I wasn’t present in my life. I let other things and other people dictate my life and my happiness. I let others have power over my present. I was not satisfied with anything. I didn’t want to believe in my reality. I should have listened to my intuition. I should have known that what I was feeling mattered. I had desires and dreams. I needed more challenges in my life that made me feel like I was fully aligned with my strengths.

When I became a mother it all changed. Everything changed. But what it led me to was an uphill battle to my ultimate success, my ultimate path, and my divine journey that led me right here to you today.

Hindsight is not a Bitch Mommy Mantra

Today I am grounded, I feel more centered. I have energy that I thought was forever lost and I have the will to want to be the best version of myself everyday. I no longer despise the person looking back at me in the mirror. Sometimes I stare at  myself in complete amazement at what I’ve accomplished and I give myself a mental hug and say I am proud of you. Not all my days are perfect. When you’re a healer trying to heal yourself you are at a constant conflict. It can feel like a tug of war at times between focusing on others and knowing you need to focus on yourself as well.  Today, I work on also taking care of me because if I don’t no one else will. I am important too. This doesn’t happen overnight and it’s not easy. But what is easy that’s good for you? It’s the will to want that keeps pushing me forward and that will keep pushing you forward.

We don’t have all the answers. We never will. We have to have faith and trust in ourselves that we will and are living the life we are meant to live. Hindsight is not a bitch. It’s insight. It puts things into perspective. When I look back I see that without having gone through certain obstacles and questioning myself I would not be here today at 35 knowing that this is exactly where I’m meant to be. I don’t feel empty like I once did. Do I have doubts? Of  course, it’s in our nature. But I’ve learned to look at fear in the eyes, say thank you for showing up, put it aside, continue on my journey and embrace any obstacles that come my way.  It is those same obstacles that are the ones that bring out your strengths. We need strength. We need love. We are both.   

When you’re faced with the question of where you’re at in life, here are a few of my suggestions on how to manage those thoughts:

  1. Take time for yourself to do something each day that you love, whether it’s watching your favorite show, reading a romance novel, or taking a hot bath and sipping some cheap champagne out of a flute glass you got from party city and it’s from a New Year’s Eve celebration.
  2. Thank yourself each day for showing up and caring about you. Make a list of 5 things you are grateful for and carry it around in your pocket or purse all day.
  3. Remind yourself that each step you take, you are getting closer and closer to your goals.

It’s ok to not know where you are going or what you’re meant to be doing. We can’t question every single thing and analyze it all, we would only then drive ourselves crazy. We must trust in our abilities and let love shine through everything we do no matter what it is. Remember, each positive step will bring you closer and more connected to your true self.

Questions for you:

When were you at a point in your life when you questioned every part of your being? How did you handle it? How has the way you’ve handled it changed as you’ve gotten older?